Forgiving people is something I am not accustomed too.  In fact I really and honestly can't think of a single time I have ever done it....real forgiveness that is.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  I may (or may not) be called on shortly to forgive someone(s) for things that were said.  What I see as a defamation of my character.  So I am left wondering if I can forgive and move on. 

I never have.

When I think about the way that I was raised....I don't mean my parents...they are wonderful people and always taught me to do the right thing...and my mom forgives too much I think.  But I refer to the way my childhood was spent.  We simply walk away from things.  By we I mean military folks.  It doesn't matter if you love or hate someone, some thing, some place...in the end, we get in the station wagon and drive away. 

I do that to people in my life as well.  I guess I've just always felt like, I don't need them anyway.  Someone else will come along to replace them sooner or later.  And after all, they always have.

So today I looked it up on line...as you knew I would.

Forgiveness, according to Lynn Ponton PHD is, "letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment." 

Hhmmm...that could be my first obstacle.  My Elephant brain never lets me forget a single damn thing.

What else?

Crap...now I have found myself on a Christianity website...I like the opening though,

Phew...that's a relief.  Reconcile I think I can do...but forgive, I am still stuck on.

So how do I do this?  How do I let go of things that were said or done and forget to move forward in life?

See to me forgiving someone is the equivalent of giving them a free pass to go ahead and do it again.  It's like offering up that famous line, "Thank you Sir, can I have another?"  It's okay that you punched me in the face...you won't do it again...probably....well I hope not, because I'm just a simple sucker anyway. 

That's what forgiveness means to me. 

The truth of the matter is that very few people in this world actually care enough about you in a way that they can be completely trusted.  Most of them think only of themselves and if they have slighted you in some way; hurt your feelings or slugged you in the jaw....most likely they do not hold you in high enough regard to not do it again at some later place and time. 

If that makes me a cynic then so be it.

I just don't believe in letting people treat me badly, and to forgive them is to give them absolution.  It is to give them permission to do it again. 

Not to this kid. 

Now comes the double standard.  When I say that I'm sorry, I truly mean it.  I hope that they will accept my sentiment and I know that I will never ever do that to hurt them again.  I expect them to believe me because I mean it. 

So what's to say they don't mean it when they say they're sorry?

Actually now that I have thought about this....I'm not good at being forgiven either.  I say I'm sorry.  I mean it from the bottom of my heart, or I would not conceded to say it.  But I will never forgive myself.  I will never be comfortable again with that person because even though they may have forgotten....I have not.  I will proceed to guilt myself for all eternity.

Damn it. 

I am doomed.



OH well...that's why I try to always think before I speak...but we all mess up sometimes.  
 
           Even the best laid plans, right?